nice guys do finish last.

ive been dating this "nice guy" for a couple weeks. and he was always so thoughtful and sweet and i guess well - nice. initially i wasn't sure if i was into him, but i guess now, i knew i wasn't. there are no other words for me to describe him besides nice. nice. nice. nice.

but the nice ones finish last. i mean - really. he was so nice that even date after date he couldn't get up the courage to make a move? any move? anything? no. he was respecting my feelings. nice - but if you really liked me you couldn't think about anything but me and taking this to the next little level.

i gave him the ok to basically make the move - like i was ready and willing and wanting to see what it would be like. there were so many chances for you today. so many. i mean, what could be better than a dark movie theatre? but you had to make that move in the street in plain view of everyone. it was so awkward. i won't lie.

i guess im just frustrated that even this - dating this nice guy can't work. oy vey. where does that leave me?

Uploaded - 9\18\08

Sassy with a small sad tire. :(

Uploaded - 9\13\08

The source of great frustration. I can't wait till I get it to work. Pillows and laundry bags here I come!

strength.

i can't decide if its better to be a strong woman who seems like she doesn't need someone. or if it's better to be the girl that needs everyones help. lately its been brought to my attention that there is always someone who is more powerful in a relationship. maybe power is the wrong word. but - there is someone who is always giving more. being strong. bearing all the work and effort. this person is known to all is capable, wonderful and strong. but - when you see them breakdown one day, you see that it really is hard for them to bear the cross all the time. its hard to always be the one to make decisions. or is it better to be the one people count on rather than the one who counts on everyone?

when i see the "strong" women - i don't know if i have the energy and strength to be that woman. is it too weak to just want to be taken care of? to just have someone there with me and to help me out?

they were right. he was using me. and i know it now. he tries to be so secretive... but i know. but i also know that he doesn't really love her. she maybe more intriguing. but she is not better than i am. i was a better girlfriend then she could ever be. but now i have to stop being so nice. stop being there for him b/c if he really wants me - he should have to work for it.

and with this damn dumb doctor - i want to scream at him. like.... do you like me? are you busy? are you lonely? what? how can our conversations be once a week. what else are you doing every nite?

i guess i have to focus on my own things. and here i am... i think i know what they are. but ill see how well i put them into action.

whoops.

today i almost said to my parents that i broke my ex-boyfriends bed. not exactly the right thing to say. but good thing i stopped myself and said friend...not ex boyfriend.

you just never know.

after being the dumpee, being the one that took longer to get over the relationship (or so it seemed) and now being the one that just is. i thought it would feel better when he basically said im lonely and i worried and scared that i wont ever find someone as compatible, as caring, and as understanding. yup. i thought that hearing him say those words would make me so happy. like they would prove me right - and him wrong. but instead, it made me sad. yea, it took me longer to be normal. like get my life back to the way it was. but now - it is my life. and i dont yearn for him. i openly said the whole situation was hard but now... well now he's the one that is lonely. he's the one that feels like that. i just thought i would always be the one hurting, but its true. girls hurt more openly but it takes awhile for guys to feel it. but when they do - they really do.

i greatly lack it right now - motivation. im in such a rut and i feel like ive been trying to dig myself out of it for so long, but to no avail. i dunno if it just about timing. or luck. or just hard work. but it looks like i have none of these things. for some people, its easy to get back into the groove. its easy to just do something new. but it isn't easy at all for me. i need some inspiration.

i fell in love with the idea. it wasn't you. i barely know you. but the thought of you - so smart, so knowledgable and so, well, so accomplished made me like you even more. ill be the first to admit, i dont know you. i can barely remember what you look like. but the idea of you and what you are and what you have done with your life so far is so appealing. in some ways, you have inspired me. i am waiting to see if i have inspired you.

next: your turn to make the move.

i haven't had a crush in ages. maybe since college. and college was filled with them. they even got names like dino and platapus and what not. but since then, i haven't really had that infatuation, or just that crush feeling. where you would kinda daydream about them but do nothing about it. crush boys were always people to admire from afar. see them at a party and chat for a minute, but not see them until walking around sproul - five days later. but now... there's no such thing. guys are either in my life or out of it. and even when i try to get some of them out - they still stay.

i think im finally at a point where the ex-boyfriend just isn't the same. the appeal of being his friend has kinda lost its lustre. i want something new.

sometimes admitting it is the hardest part. writing it out and saying it was so hard. but it made it so real. ive written the whole thing off as a great experience (that i would absolutely never give up) but one that can never be re-created with the same person. he realized this long ago, and i did too. just not as long ago as he did. but talking about it - made it gel. but that's really what i needed.

dr. save me.

get focused.

the days would pass by much quicker if i could just get focused. at work, all i can think about is what i want to do when i get home, how i can find a more interesting job and how i just am kinda in a rut. and at home, all i do is think about how tired i am or how interesting the lame-o television can be. i think i really just need to sit down and establish some goals for myself b/c im not getting anywhere with life right now. nowhere. so my next goal will be to focus on something and get it done. yes. FOCUS.

what's the point?

its been days - maybe even weeks since we last talked. i probably shouldn't have answered the phone. but here i am, that eternal optimist. like maybe something will happen. maybe this one nite fun can turn into a fling that can turn into a real relationship? hahah. yea. right.

we had a lovely time on the phone getting to know each other. talking. laughing. etc. but - it just makes me wonder....

... does he feel something? or is he just bored?
... does he think im interesting? or is he just lonely?
... does he want it to get to a point where i would visit him? or does he just want someone in his bed?

the questions could go on forever... but really, what is the point?

he was nice enough and definately good on paper. we hit it off - in a drunken state and on the phone a couple days later. but what now. he lives... far. and i live here. and he has a busy life. and i am trying to create a busy life. so... my attitude has to just be - why not? but soon i know, this feeling will die. it alwasy does after ive been a weekend warrior.

i have never told anyone this. no one. but that first nite i went back to the regular world, it was hard. i wasn't ready yet, but i forced myself to. i mean, how long could i stay at home wearing big t-shirts, crying myself to sleep? not that much longer. i needed something to distract myself with. we had a nice dinner and then headed out to the bars. the scene wasn't there that nite. and i needed you to help me and just tell me it would be ok. but... instead you said... are you ok? ok great. i need time with my boyfriend. so like a good friend and a strong girl i went home. but instead of making it all the way home, i went back to him. he was patiently waiting and coaxed me into bed. i wasn't sure what to do - but it was just so comforting. it was just like old times. except...i got up. and was the most confused i could ever be. as i was leaving... i looked at him like he would have all the answers, but nothing. just a blank stare.

new perspective.

sometimes all we need is a new perspective to get there. to get out of the rut. its not always easy - or fun. but its always better to be the bigger person - the positive one. so here i am, trying yet again. just think: POSITIVE.

i know what's missing and i search for that. every day, somewhere, anywhere. and when i think ive seen a glimpse of it, i go for it - even if it is only for one fleeting moment...

everytime i want to just go with the flow and let things be, i can't help think about it. think how what im about to do is going to completely change things. once you do it, you can't go back. there is no way i could lie about it and i wouldn't. its just too much. and i want to experience other people but, there is something about him that i know i will want. he makes me feel soo comfortable. he knows how to be with me. he knows just what i like. and when im about to take that next step - i can't. b/c i know i still want to be there with him. and well... it would just make me kinda slutty. oy vey.

and now...

im here. still the same but oh so different. what a cliche. but - i can't describe it in any other way. its true how people say - it takes half the total time you were with him to get over him. im hitting that point. its not that i dont care. or even still miss him (...sometimes...). im just smarter now. as much as we get a long - even now - there is something that didn't work. as much did work, we can remain in each others lives. but... i guess it just wasn't meant to be.

oh well.

i'll still be here.

my feelings. my emotions. that's what makes me special. even though what i feel may sometimes be irrational or unexplainable - it shouldn't matter. what i felt for him was so real. and i would never give up those feelings...even as memories for anything. i have grown so much since we first met. and for that i am so grateful. i learned so much about myself when we were together and even when we were fighting. it might have been the biggest learning experience i have ever had. the way i look at things - all things around me is so different now compared to before. yes. it is. i can't help what i feel and the hardest thing is just accepting that. understanding that there is no way to fight the feeling. no way to stop what i feel.

my feelings. my emotions. that's what makes me special. even though what i feel may sometimes be irrational or unexplainable - it shouldn't matter. what i felt for him was so real. and i would never give up those feelings...even as memories for anything. i have grown so much since we first met. and for that i am so grateful. i learned so much about myself when we were together and even when we were fighting. it might have been the biggest learning experience i have ever had. the way i look at things - all things around me is so different now compared to before. yes. it is. i can't help what i feel and the hardest thing is just accepting that. understanding that there is no way to fight the feeling. no way to stop what i feel.

it's not so bad. all it is is a little bit of an adjustment.