strength.

i can't decide if its better to be a strong woman who seems like she doesn't need someone. or if it's better to be the girl that needs everyones help. lately its been brought to my attention that there is always someone who is more powerful in a relationship. maybe power is the wrong word. but - there is someone who is always giving more. being strong. bearing all the work and effort. this person is known to all is capable, wonderful and strong. but - when you see them breakdown one day, you see that it really is hard for them to bear the cross all the time. its hard to always be the one to make decisions. or is it better to be the one people count on rather than the one who counts on everyone?

when i see the "strong" women - i don't know if i have the energy and strength to be that woman. is it too weak to just want to be taken care of? to just have someone there with me and to help me out?

they were right. he was using me. and i know it now. he tries to be so secretive... but i know. but i also know that he doesn't really love her. she maybe more intriguing. but she is not better than i am. i was a better girlfriend then she could ever be. but now i have to stop being so nice. stop being there for him b/c if he really wants me - he should have to work for it.

and with this damn dumb doctor - i want to scream at him. like.... do you like me? are you busy? are you lonely? what? how can our conversations be once a week. what else are you doing every nite?

i guess i have to focus on my own things. and here i am... i think i know what they are. but ill see how well i put them into action.

whoops.

today i almost said to my parents that i broke my ex-boyfriends bed. not exactly the right thing to say. but good thing i stopped myself and said friend...not ex boyfriend.

you just never know.

after being the dumpee, being the one that took longer to get over the relationship (or so it seemed) and now being the one that just is. i thought it would feel better when he basically said im lonely and i worried and scared that i wont ever find someone as compatible, as caring, and as understanding. yup. i thought that hearing him say those words would make me so happy. like they would prove me right - and him wrong. but instead, it made me sad. yea, it took me longer to be normal. like get my life back to the way it was. but now - it is my life. and i dont yearn for him. i openly said the whole situation was hard but now... well now he's the one that is lonely. he's the one that feels like that. i just thought i would always be the one hurting, but its true. girls hurt more openly but it takes awhile for guys to feel it. but when they do - they really do.

i greatly lack it right now - motivation. im in such a rut and i feel like ive been trying to dig myself out of it for so long, but to no avail. i dunno if it just about timing. or luck. or just hard work. but it looks like i have none of these things. for some people, its easy to get back into the groove. its easy to just do something new. but it isn't easy at all for me. i need some inspiration.

i fell in love with the idea. it wasn't you. i barely know you. but the thought of you - so smart, so knowledgable and so, well, so accomplished made me like you even more. ill be the first to admit, i dont know you. i can barely remember what you look like. but the idea of you and what you are and what you have done with your life so far is so appealing. in some ways, you have inspired me. i am waiting to see if i have inspired you.

next: your turn to make the move.

i haven't had a crush in ages. maybe since college. and college was filled with them. they even got names like dino and platapus and what not. but since then, i haven't really had that infatuation, or just that crush feeling. where you would kinda daydream about them but do nothing about it. crush boys were always people to admire from afar. see them at a party and chat for a minute, but not see them until walking around sproul - five days later. but now... there's no such thing. guys are either in my life or out of it. and even when i try to get some of them out - they still stay.

i think im finally at a point where the ex-boyfriend just isn't the same. the appeal of being his friend has kinda lost its lustre. i want something new.

sometimes admitting it is the hardest part. writing it out and saying it was so hard. but it made it so real. ive written the whole thing off as a great experience (that i would absolutely never give up) but one that can never be re-created with the same person. he realized this long ago, and i did too. just not as long ago as he did. but talking about it - made it gel. but that's really what i needed.

dr. save me.

get focused.

the days would pass by much quicker if i could just get focused. at work, all i can think about is what i want to do when i get home, how i can find a more interesting job and how i just am kinda in a rut. and at home, all i do is think about how tired i am or how interesting the lame-o television can be. i think i really just need to sit down and establish some goals for myself b/c im not getting anywhere with life right now. nowhere. so my next goal will be to focus on something and get it done. yes. FOCUS.

what's the point?

its been days - maybe even weeks since we last talked. i probably shouldn't have answered the phone. but here i am, that eternal optimist. like maybe something will happen. maybe this one nite fun can turn into a fling that can turn into a real relationship? hahah. yea. right.

we had a lovely time on the phone getting to know each other. talking. laughing. etc. but - it just makes me wonder....

... does he feel something? or is he just bored?
... does he think im interesting? or is he just lonely?
... does he want it to get to a point where i would visit him? or does he just want someone in his bed?

the questions could go on forever... but really, what is the point?