figuring out everything for myself is a lot harder than i thought. i never in my life thought that i would be where i am now. when i was younger, i thought that by this age i would be married or almost married. and when i think about my life now - i am no where near getting married. more like... living my own life. things never turn out the way you expect. im alone. living in a place - that i bought myself. by myself. most of the time that i do have free, i spend alone. sometimes its just easier to be by myself then to be with other people i know i can't stay like this forever, but i feel a little bit scarred. i felt like i gave a couple things a chance - danny, adam. and both were kinda bleh. not sure i was feeling either. but it wasn't as fun as i thought. in face, in some times it was more a drag than anything else. bleh.

im trying to remember that the only way i can be in a successful relationship is if i am already in a happy one with myself. every day that i spend alone, i learn more about myself. what i like and what is really important to me.

the other day - i almost went the whole day without talking to anyone. it felt weird when i realized it, but then i kinda liked it! alot of people in the world probably feel the same thing. i have to remember that im not the only one who is in this situation.

and that was the sign.

he's moving. he's moving far away from where he was and its because he needs a change. i neecd a change. but im not moving. he's moving to a place that i wont ever - wait maybe hardly see him. im not going to be that girl. he's moving there to be closer to her. i understand that - but that means that everything is over with us. its ok. i know things are over with us - but its hard when i dont have anyone to take his place, and he has this girlfriend that probably loves him. no one loves me. not the way he did. and until someone does - ill be by myself. the next one has to be better than him. love me more than him. and know that i am the one for him.