he was nice enough and definately good on paper. we hit it off - in a drunken state and on the phone a couple days later. but what now. he lives... far. and i live here. and he has a busy life. and i am trying to create a busy life. so... my attitude has to just be - why not? but soon i know, this feeling will die. it alwasy does after ive been a weekend warrior.

i have never told anyone this. no one. but that first nite i went back to the regular world, it was hard. i wasn't ready yet, but i forced myself to. i mean, how long could i stay at home wearing big t-shirts, crying myself to sleep? not that much longer. i needed something to distract myself with. we had a nice dinner and then headed out to the bars. the scene wasn't there that nite. and i needed you to help me and just tell me it would be ok. but... instead you said... are you ok? ok great. i need time with my boyfriend. so like a good friend and a strong girl i went home. but instead of making it all the way home, i went back to him. he was patiently waiting and coaxed me into bed. i wasn't sure what to do - but it was just so comforting. it was just like old times. except...i got up. and was the most confused i could ever be. as i was leaving... i looked at him like he would have all the answers, but nothing. just a blank stare.

new perspective.

sometimes all we need is a new perspective to get there. to get out of the rut. its not always easy - or fun. but its always better to be the bigger person - the positive one. so here i am, trying yet again. just think: POSITIVE.

i know what's missing and i search for that. every day, somewhere, anywhere. and when i think ive seen a glimpse of it, i go for it - even if it is only for one fleeting moment...