with so much free time on my hands, i've been crocheting, drawing, reading - anything to keep myself busy. my efforts are in no way professional, but somehow doing the same repetitive motion is therapeutic. i like to just stay home.

que sera, sera. whatever will be, will be.

the worst part is - telling everyone. it's harder than i thought. and the last two days, i have cried twice right after. but this is life. and there isn't anyway to get through it but to just charge on.

in a way i feel a little free even though i am sad. ahhhhhh. what do i do with myself now?

its only been a day. but i know that having your heart broken is no fun thing. ill be crying, unstable and just plain sad for awhile. but what can you expect from a girl who just lost her first true love?

gathering the strength....

time.

after a little time, i feel much better. things are less crucial, less stressful and basically causing me less heartache - which is wonderful. being sick can cause you to gain perspective...not sure if that is a good thing or bad. but for now. i am me. easy- going, relaxed me.

smother.

it's good to smother a fire to put it out. you can do it with a blanket or water. i dont know how i got to this point, but somehow i did. i feel like - i cant do anything right. and things have kinda grinded to a halt. this doesn't have to be a bad thing. maybe we can both learn from this - meet in the middle. im slowly inching towards it, but the biggest question in my mind - is he?

space.

space is sometimes all we need. a little space to do what you want. a little space to do what you need to. and a little space to do nothing at all. i love my space. but - its hard for me to give that space to those around me. i keep forgetting that others need space too. space to do what they want - and perhaps even to do what they used to... and have somehow forgetten about. im in a place where i know that to get to the next level - i need to learn how to give him space the way he has so kindly given me mine.

just hearing something over the phone was touching. it showed how much they cared and how much they knew everything meant to me. we were once on opposite ends of the spectrum, but slowly we're trying our very best to meet in the middle.

focus.

i do better when i have a list of things to do, things to buy, anything. lists help me focus. i even carry around a little notebook in my purse in case i need to make an impromptu list. in fact, ive been waiting a long time to use my new polka dot notebook. i think today is that day.

as i sit here eating peanut butter toast and drinking a cup of soy milk - i feel like i want something to change. its pretty easy to get into a rut and im almost there....

unfolded:

folded:

how many tank tops does a girl need? well, you can see that i have plenty indeed. when unfolded, it looks like one huge mess. but when stacked (somewhat neatly) it looks well...still like a lot.

her things:

his things:

clearing the clutter.

for the past couple months ive been trying to clear the clutter from my life. clean out my belongings. organize my papers. stop buying random stuff. etc. its been hard but i really like it. seeing my mountain of belongings slowly shrink is so gratifying. ive always had trouble letting go of stuff. i used to only get rid of like 3 pieces of clothing when i "cleaned" out my closet. but now, i can get rid of an entire bag. im still not a purger, but im trying.

sometimes i wish i could just quit my job and write books and make crafts or perhaps i would open a store. a store similar to anthropologie - but with more affordable. instead of $300 duvets, they would be $100. and i would scour thrift stores and flea markets for cute vases and fixtures for my store. for some strange reason i have always attracted to things that require creativity. i would make tons of random things like potholders, cards and necklaces - if i only knew what to do with them. or maybe i could sell them on etsy. a girl can dream...

old and wrinkly

earlier this week, i was at an event filled with young and old socialites. it was very strange. everyone was wearing enough chanel, lanvin and louboutin to create their own store. a couple of observations

~ people can easily look old and wrinkly
~ people, especially women but also some men, could use a bit more moisturizer
~ rich women at these types of events do not carry big purses, instead they carry the smallest bag you have ever seen. something big enough to only carry an iphone and maybe one credit card
~ rich people expect you to know who they are
~ there are many more blond socialites than you could imagine

attending this event, makes me want to really limit my alcoholic intake, while increasing my water intake. i do not want to be old and wrinkly anytime soon.

to stimulate my creativity, i draw and color in this book

there is something so therapeutic about coloring and drawing and scribbling. i dont care if i color in the lines or if my pictures look like they're supposed to. its just fun to act like a kid again.

day 2

i'm a 25 year old who never learned how to ride a bike as a kid. for the past several months, i have thought and contemplated buying a bike. finally this weekend, i bought one. and b/c im also a rather short 25 year old, i had to get one sized for a teenager.

today is day 2 of trying to learn how to ride a bike by myself and ... i was able to do many wobbly circles. and that my friends is a big accomplishment for me.

when i finally get both my feet on the peddles, i have to remember to just relax and peddle. to do's for next time are relax the shoulders so my steering is not so rigid and learn how to brake more smoothly.