gonna try to get back on this and get myself out in the blog world. yes. let's try this again.

this may seem silly to some. but today - i went to a movie by myself for the first time ... ever in my life. i know. i am 27. but this was the first real opportunity i had to spend all this time alone. i didn't want to stay home in the heat - so i went to the movies. i wasn't the only one who was there by themselves. and it wasn't weird. but it was another first that ive conquered.

overwhelmed. that's all i can say right now. for awhile i had so much time on my hands and now i feel like i have none. bleh. i just want to be able to come home and do nothing and relax. haven't had a day like that in forver. i miss them.

figuring out everything for myself is a lot harder than i thought. i never in my life thought that i would be where i am now. when i was younger, i thought that by this age i would be married or almost married. and when i think about my life now - i am no where near getting married. more like... living my own life. things never turn out the way you expect. im alone. living in a place - that i bought myself. by myself. most of the time that i do have free, i spend alone. sometimes its just easier to be by myself then to be with other people i know i can't stay like this forever, but i feel a little bit scarred. i felt like i gave a couple things a chance - danny, adam. and both were kinda bleh. not sure i was feeling either. but it wasn't as fun as i thought. in face, in some times it was more a drag than anything else. bleh.

im trying to remember that the only way i can be in a successful relationship is if i am already in a happy one with myself. every day that i spend alone, i learn more about myself. what i like and what is really important to me.

the other day - i almost went the whole day without talking to anyone. it felt weird when i realized it, but then i kinda liked it! alot of people in the world probably feel the same thing. i have to remember that im not the only one who is in this situation.

and that was the sign.

he's moving. he's moving far away from where he was and its because he needs a change. i neecd a change. but im not moving. he's moving to a place that i wont ever - wait maybe hardly see him. im not going to be that girl. he's moving there to be closer to her. i understand that - but that means that everything is over with us. its ok. i know things are over with us - but its hard when i dont have anyone to take his place, and he has this girlfriend that probably loves him. no one loves me. not the way he did. and until someone does - ill be by myself. the next one has to be better than him. love me more than him. and know that i am the one for him.

the weirdest things set me over the edge. yesterday i had to pump air into one of my tires - generally an easy task. but i had never done it. someone explained how to do it. it didn't seem hard. when i got to the gas station, i tried. but didn't think i was doing it right. then this stranger - a nice gentleman just getting gas helped me. which was wonderful. but then...after i left the gas station i almost starting crying - b/c i realized there was no guy to help me do this. maybe this was a lesson for the books. being independent (aka single) is sometimes really hard. i didn't want to pump air into my tires. maybe it would have been ok if my bf or a crush or someone interesting could teach me how - but to feel hopeless at a gas station is not fun.

i love creating things. sometimes i think i was really meant to be some type of artist. nites like tonite - i think i was meant to be a writer. and other nites, i was meant to be a stylist? and yet again other nites, i was meant to plan parties and set up photo shoots. there is something so right for me about just being creative and doing different things and thinking of new ideas. its SOOOO boring to be doing the same thing over and over again. excel spreadsheets can never be exciting to me.